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“Vogue [has] published a list of the top 30 ways to stay ahead in the sustainable style stakes.”

Really? Really? Let’s take a look-see.

Spa: Chill out and forget your worries about the planet at an Irish spa which uses 100 per cent eco products and goes to great lengths to minimize its impact on the environment. www.monart.ie

Buy things you don’t need, but first make sure you fly to a different country to do it. If not for the carbon emissions of your flight, what else would you atone for alongside other eco-relaxers? Have another facial, the green avocado is shipped in fresh from Mexico!

Weekend Away: Take a holiday away from the hustle and bustle and pollution of the city. You’ll find yourself as close to nature as possible, sleeping in a canopy bed, eating by candlelight and even collecting your own farm eggs. Choose your retreat from among farms in Hampshire, Somerset, Cornwall and Wiltshire. Prices start at £195. For more information visit www.featherdown.co.uk

Again with the travel. Perfect your pastoral patronage at any one of these finely manicured meccas of the mother Earth. Nothing says “I’m of the 95% of the population that has nothing to do with the agriculture that feeds us all!” like finding the idea of collecting eggs novel. Maybe they’ll let you pet a cow! Don’t confuse this with a real way of life though, it’s only a holiday!

Chocolate: Give yourself a treat while helping others — not something which can be done too often — with Montezuma’s latest ranges of chocolate, sourced from Papua New Guinea and Peru. The company enforces the highest ethical and horticultural standards, so you can pig out with a clear conscience. www.montezumas.co.uk

Helping others - apparently it’s maybe hard to do. Consuming chocolate made from cocoa grown half a world away, now that’s easy! Also my conscience has been cleared? Thank you very much!

Gimmicks: If you thought you couldn’t get greener than gardening, think again. Decorate your garden with recycled planters made from old tyres (£50) or a bird box with a roof planted with seeds (£30). www.henand hammock.co.uk

Hey look, something that maybe the eco-readers of Vogue could make on their own! They might even look around and find other ways to reuse… oh wait, it’s just a fucking gimmick.

Shop: He was divine as Mr Darcy, and now actor Colin Firth has turned his hand to eco-retail, with the help of his wife, Livia, her brother, Nicola Giuggioli and entrepreneur Ivo Coulson. With the view that it’s ‘practically immoral not to care about the planet at this time’, Eco aims to be on hand with advice to help people live a more sustainable lifestyle. Eco is at 213 Chiswick High Road, London W4. www.eco-age.com

If you can’t find the time to educate yourself about what prefixes like eco- and enviro- mean, or to understand what makes a practice or product sustainable, or how to not be a dick to the rest of the world, you can pay this company to figure it out for you! Enforcement of new responsible lifestyle not included.