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The Never Ending Story: A Brief & Overdue Review

Awesome music, makes you want to put on your leg warmers and start dancing like you’ve never danced before.

Young Bastian’s dad is fucking terrifying. He drinks two blended eggs for breakfast and demands that his son “stop daydreaming” and face up to the cruel inhumanity of the real world, tiger.

On his way to school our protagonist gets mugged by the goonies. Don’t these kids have social workers or something?

The local booksmithe blames all the youth ultraviolence on videogames, rock and roll, staggering illiteracy, and probably a lack of religious guidance as well.

Bastian hides in an asbestos riddled attic of the school and reads a book that is almost as magical as a television. He is transported to a land of imagination.

Imagination Land is promptly destroyed, but not really. Imagination Land is a lot like the death star.

Deus Ex Machina, giant fuzzy homo erotic dragon, cue awesome theme song, roll credits.